Warning: Satire ahead.
There are a ton of misinformation-peddlers out there, lurking in the shadows, trying to kill you with misinformation. Here at the Babylon Bee, we care deeply about your safety, so we told our best researchers to compile a list of COVID treatments the CDC has NOT approved. Avoid these at all costs!
1) Drinking plenty of water: Please. Do you know what else drinks water? A horse.
2) Spending some time in the warm, pleasant Sun: This sun imbues us with Vitamin D, which the CDC has not approved for protection against COVID. Get inside now!!!
3) Getting a nice good workout at the gym: Stop fat-shaming! Besides, exercise will exacerbate your myocarditis.
4) Monoclonal Antibodies: Donald Trump’s body was infused with monoclonal antibodies, and he’s a literal Nazi. Do you really want that stuff in your body?
5) Laughter: Contrary to popular belief, laughter is not the best medicine. Stop laughing. It’s probably bad for you.
6) Living A Meaningful Life Surrounded By Friends And Family: Those who live this lifestyle are 3,278% more likely to not look to the government for the answers. Sad!
7) Early treatment: Early treatment with therapeutics is a dangerous conspiracy theory promoted by enemies of Pfizer. Avoid!
8) Eating Your Vegetables: You know who else does this? Yeah, that’s right: HORSES!
9) Only three jabs of the vaccine: SCIENCE now tells us it takes at least 8 jabs to achieve robust immunity.
10) Your Own Immune System: The science is clear – the human body is incapable of doing anything without a healthy dose of medical juice.
Let’s everyone do our part! We’re all in this together!
A version of this article was originally published by The Babylon Bee on February 9, 2022. Reprinted with permission.