Lululemon Fires Employee For Not Offering To Help Looters Bag Clothes And Load Them Into Their Car, says The Babylon Bee. (Satire)
VANCOUVER — Popular clothing retailer Lululemon has announced additional firings, this time for employees who refused to offer to bag stolen merchandise and load it into looters’ getaway vehicles for them.
“We have a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to not helping thieves,” said Lululemon CEO Calvin McDonald. “At Lululemon, the shoplifter is always right. Any effort whatsoever to engage thieves or stop them or show any pride in being an employee of the company is a clear violation of this policy.”
The latest firings come on the heels of two associates being terminated after calling the police to report shoplifters at the Lululemon location in Atlanta, Georgia. The company has reinforced its position on thieves, refusing to allow any employees to engage, confront, or do anything to stop them from stealing store merchandise. “The safety of our employees and customers comes first,” McDonald said. “Plus, the stuff we sell is absolutely overpriced crap, so it’s not worth anyone putting themselves in danger for anyway.”
When reached for comment, the thieves voiced full support of the company’s policy. “Heck yeah, dude!” said one of the shoplifters, who asked to remain anonymous for some reason. “I’m going to tell all my friends that we can just clear out any Lululemon store we can find!”
At publishing time, McDonald had also announced Lululemon stores would be having a 100%-off sale, starting immediately and lasting until the company went out of business.
Originally published by The Babylon Bee. Republished with permission.
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