BELTON, MO — As the Halloween season kicks into high gear, local residents have been buzzing about the newest, most terrifying haunted house they have ever experienced. Surprising reviews claimed the attraction just displays current gasoline and grocery prices along dark, creepy hallways.
“It’s the most horrifying thing I’ve ever seen,” said attendee Butch Reed. “I can handle seeing ghosts and goblins and scary clowns and gory scenes with people covered in blood, but once they showed me a digital display showing regular unleaded gasoline at $9.99 per gallon, I just about lost my lunch.”
The attraction—which has officially been named “Scariest Haunted House in America” for 2023—made the innovative decision to forego the use of expensive costumes or special effects, opting instead to simply force people to confront their worst fears, such as the price of milk, eggs, and ground beef.
“They really shouldn’t be allowed to show this stuff,” said Ron Simmons after he exited the building. “I saw some kids trying to sneak inside. Can you imagine the type of psychological damage seeing this horrible stuff can do to their minds? C’mon, people!”
Despite the controversy, the owner of the haunted house, Theodore Long, was pleased with the response.
“I’ve been running haunted houses for years,” Long said. “This is the first year we’ve actually had people screaming and running out in tears. It’s bone-chilling stuff they see in there.”
At publishing time, local residents were putting up signs to warn attendees of the frightening imagery they were about to see after entering the haunted house, with many people saying they were unlikely to ever feel comfortable going to a grocery store ever again.
Originally published by The Babylon Bee. Republished with permission.
Illustration courtesy of The Babylon Bee.
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