Canadian Health Care System Introduces Punch Card – 10th Visit, Free Suicide – Satire

As Canada’s Medical Assistance in Dying (MAID) system continues to alleviate the pain of patients and the financial strain on the nation’s health care system, a recent innovation is expected to further improve results: Parliament just announced a punch card that allows patients to receive a free suicide after 10 doctor visits.

“From a small-scale maple syrup overdose to a full-blown moose attack, you receive a punch on your card every time you are admitted for an injury or sickness,” states a blog published this week on the Canadian Health Care system’s website outlining the new program. “Filling out your punch card is mandatory, for data tracking purposes. No one sick person can be allowed to drain more than their share of the taxpayer’s dollars!”

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau praised the new initiative, positioning it as a way to better engage citizens and prevent any one citizen from becoming a burden on the system.

“Canadians are team players,” said Trudeau. “It’s important for every citizen to make sure he’s not wasting taxpayer money to sustain a life that’s not worth living. And now with this punch card, they know that with each hospital visit they’re one step closer to the end!”

Critics contend the new approach preys on disabled and impoverished Canadians who may see assisted suicide as their only option, but the criticism has already been quieted since Trudeau froze the bank accounts of anyone who spoke out against his regime’s policies in the comments section of the health care website’s blog, or on Twitter, or elsewhere.

The burden on Canada’s health care system was further alleviated when Parliament announced the policy would retroactively apply to people who have already been admitted for 10 prior hospital visits.